Me, Myself & We (Phil 2:3–4)

The Real Reason Community Is So Hard

Pastor Samuel Sutter • February 16, 2026

1. Every "We" Problem Starts with a "Me" Problem

James 4:1–2 (NIV) — "What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don't they come from your desires that battle within you? You desire but do not have. You kill and covet, but you cannot get what you want. You quarrel and fight."

• The Greek word polemos ("war") — the wars are inside us. "The call is coming from inside the house."
• This isn't just a behavior problem — it's a worship problem. Comfort, control, respect, or "being right" becomes an idol; anyone who threatens it becomes the enemy.
• Our culture tells us the secret to community is compatibility — so we swap small groups, ghost people, and start over.

2. "Me" Can't Fix "Me"

Jeremiah 17:9 (NIV) — "The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?"

• Luther's phrase: incurvatus in se — curved inward. Every reasonable desire gets bent back toward self until we see nothing else.
• Self-centeredness doesn't feel like selfishness — it feels like surviving. The score-keeper thinks they're being fair; the person giving the cold shoulder thinks they're protecting themselves.
• The solution must come from outside of us — it has to be a Person.

3. Jesus Emptied "Me" to Make a Way for "We"

Philippians 2:3–5 (NIV) — "Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others. In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus."

Philippians 2:6–8 (NIV) — "Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage; rather, he made himself nothing by taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to death — even death on a cross."

• The Kenosis (self-emptying): Jesus did not subtract divinity — He emptied Himself of His rights, privilege, comfort, and "me first."
• Kenosis is addition, not subtraction: He put on humanity — hunger, exhaustion, rejection, suffering, death. The trajectory goes down: throne → manger → cross → grave.
• We can't stop saying "me first." Jesus said "you first — even if it kills me." And it did. Our arm wrestling met His open arms. We grasped; He released. We curved inward; He poured out.
• The resurrection vindicates it all (v. 9): "God exalted Him to the highest place." He went down to bring us up; He emptied Himself to fill us.

"He went down so He could bring you up. He emptied Himself so He could fill you."

• Put your arms down with God first. You can't give what you haven't received. One Practice for This Week: The next time you're in a conflict, before you say anything, ask: "What am I protecting right now?" Name it. Hold it up to the light. Then ask — is this the thing I want to build my "we" around?

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.Philippians 2:3–4

Sermon Notes: People Work

"I am my greatest relational problem — me. And your biggest problem is you. Now, don't misunderstand me. I know you'll be sinned against; I know people suffer abuse of all kinds; but my greatest and deepest difficulty in relationships actually exists inside of me and not outside of me. That's why Paul offered the cure when he said Jesus came to rescue you from you. Grace alone changes the whole relational paradigm, our whole lifestyle of inward-bentness. Grace liberates you from you, so you can actually have a thing that could be described as a relationship… The beautiful truth of the righteousness that has been imputed to us by Christ is the only truth powerful enough to free us from all our selfishness and our desire to be made much of."— Paul David Tripp, Grace Untamed / New Morning Mercies

"Paul says that he 'emptied himself,' not of course of his deity but of his glory… He 'took the form of a servant.' He made himself vulnerable. And now his mind is to be in us. For we are to empty ourselves and to humble ourselves. Of course we cling to power. We like to 'make friends and influence people,' to exert our authority, to boss our subordinates and to throw our weight about. It all feeds our ego, boosts our morale, protects our threatened security… The incarnation challenges us to acknowledge the values and standards of Jesus, and to assert that love is stronger than force. He was born naked, defenseless, vulnerable. Why should the disciple wish to be different from the teacher?"— John R.W. Stott, The Cross of Christ / The Incarnation

"But once I find 1 Timothy 1:15–16 trustworthy — once I can embrace it with full acceptance — once I know that I am indeed the worst of sinners, then my spouse is no longer my biggest problem: I am. And when I find myself walking in the shoes of the worst of sinners, I will make every effort to grant my spouse the same lavish grace that God has granted me."— Dave Harvey, When Sinners Say "I Do"

"You should not be true to yourself, unless you have died to your old self and your new self is raised with Christ and seated with him in the heavenly places. The real you is worth letting out if the real you is dead to sin and alive in Christ Jesus. The world says you are what you feel. The world says your is equals ought. The world says you must find yourself, be true to yourself, and express yourself. Jesus gave us a different and better way to live. Truly, truly, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit. Whoever loves his life loses it, and whoever hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life (John 12:24–25)."— Kevin DeYoung, Do Not Be True to Yourself

"Marks of Spiritual Pride & Spiritual Humility: Spiritual pride makes you more aware of others' faults than your own. Spiritual humility makes you far more aware of your own faults than those of others. Pride leads you, when you speak of others' faults, to speak in contempt of that other person. Humility means that when you do speak of other people's faults you do so with grief and mercy. Pride leads you to quickly separate from people you criticize or people who criticize you. You are either cold to them or you avoid them. Spiritual humility means that you stick with people in difficult relationships. You don't give up on them… A proud person is often unhappy and sorry for themselves. This is because they are so sure they know how life ought to go. They are sure they deserve a good life. A humble person says 'I deserve to be cast off, but only by God's grace am I living… I don't know what is best for me.'"— Timothy Keller, The Freedom of Self-Forgetfulness / Sermon on James 4

Pastor Samuel Sutter sam@bbcconline.com

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