We all know what it's like to carry a grudge. Someone hurts you, the wall goes up, and you call it "protecting your peace." But what if the thing you're calling wisdom is actually the thing keeping you lonely?In this message from Colossians 3:12-13, we look at what the apostle Paul says about forgiveness inside real community — not the polished, conflict-free kind, but the messy, honest, stay-in-the-room kind. The kind where wounds are expected, debts get canceled, and truth is wrapped in love.If you've been holding onto a name — the person you've already written off in your heart — this one might be for you.Three things we walk through:Why conflict in community isn't a sign something's brokenWhat it actually costs to cancel someone's debt — and why Jesus paid yours firstHow to hold truth and grace in the same hand.
Why Real Community Requires Both Truth and Forgiveness
Pastor Samuel Sutter — sam@bbcconline.com
Sunday, February 22, 2026
Big Idea: Real community isn't conflict-free — it's conflict-safe. Because forgiven people forgive.
Colossians 3:12–13 (NIV) "Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you."
"Clothe yourselves" — a wardrobe decision, not a mood. Compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience are put on by obedience, not feeling.
"If any of you has a grievance" — Paul assumes grievances (plural). It's not if, it's when. That's not a sign the community is broken — it's a sign the community is real.
Conflict isn't the enemy of community. Pretending is.
Colossians 3:13b (NIV) "Forgive as the Lord forgave you."
Romans 5:8 (NIV) "But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us."
"As" — in the same manner, to the same degree, on the same basis. Your forgiveness of them is measured by God's forgiveness of you.
How did the Lord forgive you? Before you asked. While you were still sinning. At His own expense. He didn't wait for a good apology.
When a debt is canceled, someone absorbs the cost. The debtor goes free, but the creditor pays. Forgiveness isn't weakness — it's the most expensive thing a person can do.
That's the cross. Jesus didn't say "it's not a big deal." The debt was real. He absorbed the full cost in His own body.
The moment you say "I would never do what they did to me" — you've forgotten what you did to God. And He canceled it anyway. — Tim Keller
Ephesians 4:15 (NIV) "Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ."
"Truthing in love" — living an honest life inside the safety of a loving relationship. It requires both.
Truth without grace is cruelty. Always right, always sharp, always alone. You can win every argument and lose every relationship.
Grace without truth is cowardice. You kept the peace and lost the person. That's not love — that's abandonment in a nice voice.
Real community holds both. Same hand. Same breath. Safe enough to be honest. Safe enough to be forgiven.
"I love you too much to watch you destroy yourself — AND I love you too much to destroy you with how I say it."
The following is from a book by Ken Sande called The Peacemaker: A Biblical Guide to Resolving Personal Conflict. The idea is that in conflict (grievance), most folks naturally start down a slippery slope of escape or attack. Sande gives a host of biblical peacemaking responses to stay on top.
The six responses found on the top portion of the slippery slope are called the peacemaking responses. These responses are commanded by God, empowered by the gospel, and directed toward finding just and mutually agreeable solutions to conflict.
The first three peacemaking responses may be carried out personally and privately, just between you and the other party. The vast majority of conflicts in life should and can be resolved in one of these ways.
Overlook an offense. Many disputes are so insignificant that they should be resolved by quietly and deliberately overlooking an offense. "A man's wisdom gives him patience; it is to his glory to overlook an offense" (Prov. 19:11; see also 12:16; 17:14; Col. 3:13; 1 Peter 4:8). Overlooking an offense is a form of forgiveness and involves a deliberate decision not to talk about it, dwell on it, or let it grow into pent-up bitterness or anger.
Reconciliation. If an offense is too serious to overlook or has damaged the relationship, we need to resolve personal or relational issues through confession, loving correction, and forgiveness. "[If] your brother has something against you… go and be reconciled" (Matt. 5:23–24; see Prov. 28:13). "Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently" (Gal. 6:1; see Matt. 18:15). "Forgive as the Lord forgave you" (Col. 3:13).
Negotiation. Even if we successfully resolve relational issues, we may still need to work through material issues related to money, property, or other rights. This should be done through a cooperative bargaining process in which you and the other person seek to reach a settlement that satisfies the legitimate needs of each side. "Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others" (Phil. 2:4).
When a dispute cannot be resolved through one of the personal peacemaking responses, God calls us to use assisted peacemaking. These responses require the involvement of other people from your church or Christian community.
Mediation. If two people cannot reach an agreement in private, they should ask one or more objective outside people to meet with them to help them communicate more effectively and explore possible solutions. "If he will not listen [to you], take one or two others along" (Matt. 18:16). These mediators may ask questions and give advice, but they have no authority to force you to accept a particular solution.
Arbitration. When you and an opponent cannot come to a voluntary agreement on a material issue, you may appoint one or more arbitrators to listen to your arguments and render a binding decision to settle the issue. In 1 Corinthians 6:1–8, Paul indicates that this is how Christians ought to resolve even their legal conflicts with one another: "If you have disputes about such matters, appoint as judges even men of little account in the church" (1 Cor. 6:4).
Accountability. If a person who professes to be a Christian refuses to be reconciled and do what is right, Jesus commands church leaders to formally intervene to hold him or her accountable to Scripture and to promote repentance, justice, and forgiveness: "If he refuses to listen [to others], tell it to the church" (Matt. 18:17). Direct church involvement is often viewed negatively among Christians today, but when it is done as Jesus instructs — lovingly, redemptively, and restoratively — it can be the key to saving relationships and bringing about justice and peace.
Pastor Samuel Sutter — sam@bbcconline.com
